Serpent

I really dont have too much to report in this entry, but I feel obligated to post something. The past couple of days I have been in somewhat of a decline and I am finding it hard to put my finger on exactly what the problem is. I know there is a lot of stuff going on within my life right now, lots of changes and realisations that it is probably time to change jobs again. There is also some uncertainty about some other things but they might just be anxieties linked to the hopes I have for the future. I have to come to terms with it all I suppose.
I'll probably write more later.

Discomposure

Saturday night and I have just finished a 13 hour shift and I return alone to a home that isnt mine and I have to ask myself if this is really what I want the future to be like.
Loneliness isnt being home alone or being on a highway at night with noone in the car with you, it is being on a continent far away from the land that you were you born, your only companion being the knowledge that the home you left behind no longer exists, so long has it been since it was home that you wonder if it ever existed at all.
Time has never been a friend of mine, it either passed too quickly or too slowly almost as if it did the exact opposite of what I want it to just to punish me for some crime I committed that even now I am unaware of.
I am growing ever more tired, and no matter how long I sleep I still wake feeling the same....I have become world weary.... I am growing ever more aware that there are probably far fewer days in front of me then there behind me now and that brings with it the knowledge that I really should make the most of the these years,months,hours,minutes before the grains of sand finally run out, but in all honesty I would gladly trade the rest of my life for just one month of peace and happiness and for the nightmares to stop.
I miss my children, I grieve for the years of their growing up that was stolen from me by my being torn from their lives. I miss being there for them when they are sick or scared and to read them bedtime stories... Helen was only 4 when her mom told me to leave..she is almost 11 now...all of those years have gone now and no matter what nothing can ever give them back to her and I.
Damn I am so tired, maybe it is time to change everything......again

Walking away

In retrospect I suppose I am relieved England didnt work out for
me....going back to the UK showed me that I have outgrown that nation
and that my home is no longer there....I guess I have become
Americanized, I even began to find Suzy tiresome after only 3 weeks,
and this is a woman I had pined for for almost 7 years. Her life and her world are far too small and parochial for me and although the realization was painful for me, I knew what I had to do.
Coming back here wasnt easy for me....I had left with such high hopes
for the future in the UK, and for them to be dashed on the harsh rocks
of reality in such a short time was devastating for my already slender
grasp on sanity and when I got back here I lost my battle to remain
sane....luckily I am surrounded by a group of people at work who see
this sort of thing all of the time and they were able to keep me from
killing myself for long enough for some healing to take place.
It was during this time that I got my new work partner....and although very young she took very good care of me when I was unwilling and unable to take care of myself.
Our partnership grew into one of the best at the company and we were a highly
effective ambulance crew, we trusted each other totally and even
socialized platonically after work. we worked together for about 5
months and then she had to leave the company to go to medicaL
school....(she is going to be a Dr). The week before she left, when we
we were faced by the very real prospect of never seeing each other
again we both realized that what we had was much more than a good
working relationship, and before either of us realized what was
happening we were no longer platonic.
I have had some very grave reservations about the viability of this
relationship, because of my history and the age difference (she is
only 23). We are more or less living together now and my divorce
papers will be filed next month.

Autumn

Autumn is upon us here in New England. The foliage is breathtakingly beautiful and even with everything that is going on in my life, it is impossible not to be stunned by the beauty of this season here.
The final colours of the leaves before winter hits acts as a final reward for the summer past, and as a warning of the harshness of the winter to come.
When I went back to England, I recall thinking how much I would miss the Autumn colours.... I am glad that I came back.

Regrets

In retrospect, I am astonished my how many people I have hurt and by how much damage I have done by doing what I believed to be the right thing at the time. I guess I began early, for whatever reason, I was somewhat of a disappointment to my parents, enough of a disappointment for them to effectively isolate me from my siblings and to deny me affection enough as to make relationships difficult for me in later life.
I have progressed through my life proving to be a greater and greater disappointment to each person unlucky enough to become attached to me.
I leave behind me two failed marriages and more importantly I have become estranged from my two beautiful daughters whom I love dearly....but I am told that noone is without value...I guess my value is that I serve as a bad example.

Burn Out

You know, nothing changes. Ok well the names change but the complaints and attitudes meds and treatments are the same. To be honest I dont remember the names anymore, they have just become a blur of CC numbers on trip slips I dropped into a slot at the end of a shift never to think about again. I suppose this is what they call burn out.
There was a time where I had the ability to feel the pain of others and to empathise, now I make them as comfortable as I can during transport, do whatever needs to be done treatment wise and then focus on the paperwork...that's all that the company really cares about....if the paperwork isnt in order, they cant bill.
I wish I knew what to do next, I guess it will all end in tears, everything does eventually.

ruminations

So, I just got back to the house having spent the night....elsewhere.
This place really doesnt seem like home anymore.
It is getting harder and harder to be here now....part of me is scared to make that final break but I know it must be done. Odd, I have known that this day was coming, I have known this for 6 yeare now...but as the end approaches it becomes scary. I suppose it is like the Stockholm syndrome.....one becomes so accustomed to ones captors that it becomes hard to imagine them not being there anymore.
I need to take this step.....it is the right thing to do, it is the only right thing to do.

Tension

Well my spouse is back from her trip and she had not even got both feet through the front door before we were arguing. It is becoming more and more obvious that I cant continue spending time at the "marital" home. OK so here I am blogging trying to explain how I am feeling.... it is hard to explain but I guess it can be summarised in one word, uncomfortable.
The tension in here is palpable.....*sigh* I really need to change things, but I am trapped by circumstance both fiscal & physical.
More later..... I guess.

Darkness falls

Winston Churchill called it his "black dog", I'm not sure I have a name for it, but I know the doctors call it depression, whatever it is called I have had it for quite a while, I think it began very early in my childhood with the first of many rejections which left me vulnerable to pretty much anyone who would show me any degree of affection or acceptance. Well recently I have had a respite from its grim grasp, but I guess it found me again and the heavy feeling inside is returning and reclaiming its hold on me...... I had dared to begin to believe that this time I had really escaped and that this time it wasnt going to come back.
I hope it is only paying a short visit and isnt moving in again.

White flag

There was a time when I couldnt bear to listen to that song, that time has gone, but there is still some discomfort associated with it. During my abortive return the land of my birth, Dido took on some sort of almost mystical significance, then after my return it became as painful to me as a knife straight to my heart.
The trip home was a lesson....and like most of the really important lessons, it was an incredibly painful one. The lesson I learned was that no matter how hard a person tries, and no matter how long a dream has been held as holy and almost sacrosanct, it is no guarantee of success..
There was a woman, I loved her, I loved her for a very long time and I pined and I wished and dreamed.......then after 6 years, I thought I had finally won her. I was wrong...we got close, but within sight of the line, she changed her mind, I guess I changed mine too. Once I was back there with her, we had fun, but there was a huge price to be paid, and pay it we both did. She isnt a bad person, she isnt spiteful or cruel, but she is unsure of her needs and desires, for a while she thought it was me and while she thought that way, I was incredibly happy in fact I thought my longest held dream had come true.....dreams dont come true, at least not for me.
I was back home with her for only 3 weeks....in that time 7 years of healing was torn apart, I was destroyed, and it is only now some 6 months later that I can bear to reexamine those events with enough detachment to actually evaluate what went wrong. When I have come to some conlusions I will post them here. Right now there are a few certainties...
I did love the person I believed her to be.
I was devastated when it didnt work out.
During my time there I began to realise that there were some very serious differences between our views of the world. I think we could have made it work between us, but I couldnt do it alone and she didnt want to work at it.
The conclusions so far are:
I have survived the biggest disappointment I have faced and I have moved beyond it and grown stronger from the experience. I am finally over her, I no longer hold dear the dream that one day her and I will be back together....in fact I am able to accept that I probably wont ever see or speak with her again, and that doesnt trouble me anymore.
I suppose the biggest conclusion is that all of this happened for a reason.... I had to get over her to allow me to be the person I needed to be in order for the momentous events that happened upon my return to the USA. The USA is home now....it is where I belong, and where I plan to spend the rest of my life, and if I am really,really lucky I will get to spend that time with my favourite EMT partner.
I love you Beth, thanks for being there.

.....of a series of accidents.

I havent updated for a couple of days, I guess I have been busy with work and have neglected my blogging duties. My apologies dear readers (if there are any).
This item is going to explore my observations on my life this far.
Some people set out on lifes journey with a clear vision of where they want to go, who or what they want to be and a path by which they intend at achieve those goals.
Me? well I suppose I have meandered my way to this point.... at the mercy of fate and chance. Now as I have just entered my 43rd year, I am able to look back upon the circuitous path that has brought me here and say to myself "well, ya know it has been a wild ride". I have seen and done so much, I have been poor as a church mouse and relatively wealthy, I have been insignificant and crucial, lonely and surrounded by friends.... Yep, life really happened to me.

A new dawn.

Things are progressing at a speedy pace now and things are changing far faster than I had anticipated and my ability to adapt to these changes is being tested.
10/2/04 sees the beginning of a new partnership at work to match the new partnership I have begun at home. My new work partner is an old friend and someone who has been there for me before, we have much to learn about each other and the way we work, but we begin from a very firm foundation.
I am approaching this new chapter with more optimism than is normal for me.....I hope it isnt misplaced.